WARNING - Written by a hopeless romantic. Long attention span recommended. Completely fictional, any relevance to individuals dead or alive is a mere coincidence ;)
Tonight everything was opened up. The smoke has cleared, leaving but yet another layer of foggy ambience. Tonight, she spoke the words which tried to detour my feelings and lead it to another path. Tonight, I write my story.
As most teenagers would know, life isn't about "once upon a time" stories and "happy ever after" endings. Usually, if not always, it ends in sweat, blood and tears. As we start to realise what life is all about, the need to turn the hands of time increases. Everything requires precise balance; social life, school life and love life.
Step into any high school and the social groups are evident. There are the jocks, the cheerleaders, the geeks, the nerds, the stoners, the skaters, the emo's, the punks, the goths, then there's me. Every school I've been to, I've never fit into any. More comfortable with me, myself, and I. Within this new school I float around like a lost fish, almost like that Dory character from Finding Nemo. "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming", she says. It's quite funny how we can learn so much from a cartoon character. So following a blue, cartoon fish's advice, I keep swimming through the tsunami of the social groups.
Work life. I will go no further. I don't want to, and I don't need to. Stressful enough just thinking about it. But it is fun, as long as you stay on task. So far, so very good.
And now, the love life. How complicated it is in my head. Hope writing this helps, if not, tough. What would you do if you were in love with a person (Girl X), who didn't have any feelings for you (and had a boyfriend), and whose bestfriend (Girl Y) was in love with you? Just keep swimming, you say? If only it was that easy.
(Girl X) A girl so perfect in every way caught my attention ever since our eyes met. Her crystal blue eyes shine in the light and guides the path when it's dark. Soft, delicate hair frames her gorgeous face so flawlessly. Her smile like no other, delivers words like no other. I stand there astounded by her every movement. But yet, no acknowledgment of me. She excels in her studies, a social butterfly she is. So why would she notice me? I am but a mere speck of dust in her view. Slowly floating past and casually trying to catch her attention, but the wind just blows me away, further and further.
(Girl Y) Her bestfriend, my secret admirer less the secret. So deeply in love, with such a fool. I see her, in full perfection for me and for my needs. But my wants. That's a different story altogether. Her sorrow poems, but yet so majestic and filled with emotions still unable to evoke life within me. But she seems a virgin to life. She seems so unaware of all the troubles that could be caused and the troubles that already exists. But now I float to her, and bring upon her all her desires. The love I have for her bestfriend has transformed into nothing more than a noble friendship. Inversely proportional, the fondness for my secret admirer grows.
But tonight, she called (Girl X). As usual we delve into an utterly random conversation for two hours. I close my eyes and hear her voice speak, allowing me to dive into another dimension. Whilst two or three weeks ago, this surreal dimension would have been accompanied by limerence. But not anymore, I'll be glad to say. As we end our conversation about bananas torturing his mom with icing sugar (yes, we are cool) , I asked her if she has ever had feelings for me. Soon after I realise what a mistake that was.
Her reply to that was. Yes. Yes she did like me, quite a lot, once upon a time. When the weather was nice, and the grass was green, she liked me. I was pushed out of my surreal dimension as spirals spin around me. And I wake up. What? Why? When? How? Whaaat? As usual I over think and thoughts of "could-have-beens" scroll through my mind. So now what do I do?
Being inquisitive and always needing answers before believing something, I asked her to fill in the blanks. When did she like me? She says that she only just realized her extra unneeded feelings for me after she said yes to her present other half. Does she still like me? A little hesitant, but she said no. I asked whether that was a lie, and no. For some people out there, this would be bad news. But for me, I’m quite glad she said no. I had just gotten over my acute limerent emotions for her and transferred the feelings to her bestfriend. Then was not the time for her to tell me she likes me. I could tell there was something going a bit wrong between her and her boyfriend. She speaks to me more than she does to him. I’m one of the few she wants to talk to when she’s down, him being one she runs away from. The awkwardness is most obvious even to the oblivious. After I interrogated her and her past affection for me, I was drowned with even further thoughts. She started regretting ever telling me after noticing the effect it caused. I reassured her that I am always like this, always over thinking, and that by tomorrow I will be back to square one. I will be over her. I will...
The next day was normal, just how I had promised her it would be. Everything between us was normal. There were no discomfort and we joked around with our usual playful attitude. However, Girl Y and I had a random misunderstanding. I went around to my best friend’s house that day. It just so happens that my best friend is also my ex-girlfriend. Girl Y, being a very pessimist optimistic person assumes that I still like her, using a line I had said to her before against me. “Her bright blue eyes, an angel in disguise”. While I was at my bestfriend’s house, Girl Y sends me a text to pass a “Hello” to my blue eyed angel from her. I knew from there that something was wrong.
Later that day, I called Girl Y and we had our usual conversation of intense playful arguments. Then out of nowhere, she pops in a question. “Does she know?”, she asks. With a confused tone, my response to that was “Who? Know what?”. She replied with a cold and blunt, “Your bestfriend, does she know you still like her?”
By then, her assumptions were confirmed. We had a heart to heart about why she would think such a thing, a day after I confess that I have feelings for her. How could she think such, when we both knew that we liked each other, maybe not equally, but we both did. I had told her as soon as I broke up with the girl the reason as to why I did. That we thought it was better to remain good friends. Then I began to wonder. Wonder maybe she was making such assumptions to help her get over me. Maybe it was to stop herself from getting hurt any further by me. Maybe, she was just scared of me, and of us. If you look at the ghosts of my past relationships, I can tell you now I am a potential heartbreaker. Maybe that’s why.
Trying hard to convince her that my fondness for that other girl is no more, I asked my best friend to phone her up, and just talk to her. I tried hard to make it work. I wanted it to work. I didn’t want her to be hurt. However, she denied any communication with the outside world. Using her fake joyous voice, she would use an excuse that she was having a bath and she would call later. But she never did. I gave up and apologized to my best friend for involving her in everything. I realized that it might just make matters worse if I tried any further acts. I went to sleep that night hoping that when I wake everything will be cleared. I went to sleep to dream. And woke up the next day to realize that dream.
Today, I realised what I had to do to make my dream come true. Today, I left town. In search of anything, everything to broaden my knowledge and widen my view. I had enough of that place and finally got a chance to leave it all behind and hope the footprints will be blown away like the sand dunes of the desert. But today, she called. She said something. Those three words. Those three words came out of her mouth ever so magically, so loving. Being an irrational emotional, I write quite a lot of poems which are usually over exaggerated. I may write about love, and romance, but not for one second have I experienced "love". But for those three seconds it took to say those three short words, I felt it. Three short words that leaves a mark permanently. From her lips, I heard her say, I love you. Now, what do I do?